The Spear is a massive fan of Seinfeld, so he thought he would write his own episode as an homage. He hopes you enjoy reading it as much as he enjoyed writing it!
Jerry Performing In the Comedy Club
The belt has got to be the most embarrassing invention of all time. We, as a human species, literally need something whose sole function, is to stop our pants from falling down.
What do you reckon people were doing before the invention of the belt?
It must have been so annoying having to walk around, only being able to use one hand all day. It would have been nearly impossible to give someone a hug without your pants falling down, which I guess is why you only tend to hug people who you are extremely close with.
Or did the rich people just hire somebody to follow them around, whose sole job was to hold their pants up for them? I bet you that’s how the first conga-line started, it was just a whole bunch of guys who had come to an agreement to hold each other’s pants up whenever they went out of the house. (Imitating a conga line) “Hey you know what Bill, this is actually kinda fun”
Intro music plays
Jerry and George are sitting at the Coffee Shop
George: So you know I’ve got an interview this afternoon at Elaine’s office.
Jerry: Yeah I heard. What position was it for again?
George: Assistant to the Manager of Sales. Or was it Manager of the Sales Assistant... Ahh who am I kidding, I don’t know.
Jerry: Way to go for her to come through on the friendship like that. Especially after what happened at Pendant….
George: Yeah, huh, like she’s doing me a huge favour.
Jerry: You’d rather she didn’t set up the interview?
George: You know I can tell she’s only doing it so she can claim the high-ground.
Jerry: What high-ground?
George: You know.. oh hoh!
Jerry: Can’t you just be grateful for once that another human being has done you a favour?
George: At this point in my life, I’ve had it with favours. I’m all favoured out. They always come with this unspoken obligation of reciprocity that I can never repay.
Jerry: So if you can’t take a favour, what can you take?
George: Pity. I’ll take open pity any day over a veiled favour. At least you know what you’re getting with pity.
Jerry: And just like that, we’ve reached a new low.
Kramer enters the coffee shop, dishevelled and slightly smouldering
Jerry: Hey, what happened to you?
Kramer: Fire.. Dig-i-dig.
George & Jerry: A fire, what, what happened?
Kramer: Ya, you know, a fire… There I was, walking down 8th Avenue, when I see this bin.. smouldering.
Kramer: Mmpop! Smouldering! You know, like from a cigarette. So as I get a bit closer, flames, start shooting out like a rocket, so I grabbed my jacket and started hitting it out, like a this, until eventually it dies out.
Jerry: Why didn’t you call the fire brigade?
Kramer: What, and wait for it to take out the entire block! Sometimes you’ve got to take a little responsibility for what’s going on in your life!
George: I never had the nerve to call 911. I’m always afraid that my emergency won’t be important enough, and the operator will yell at me for wasting their time.
Kramer: That’s why you should always deal with it yourself first. Mmpop! Like a real man!
Jerry: That’s the problem…
Change scene to Elaine’s Workplace. Elaine is sitting at her desk doing work. Elaine’s colleague Peggy enters.
Peggy: So Elaine, is your friend George still coming in for the interview this afternoon?
Elaine: Mmm yup. He will definitely be here.
Peggy: Excellent. I’m really looking forward to meeting him, he sounds like a real character.
Elaine: Ya, he’s a real go-getter.
Peggy: Great. Oh, will you be able to make it to the lunchtime presentation today?
Elaine: Oh no, sorry. I’ve got plans.
Peggy: Oh, I see plans (looks uncomfortable). Very well (leaves).
Elaine: Very well? (consults calendar) LGBTI Solidarity Day. (slaps hand to head, looks distressed)
Change scene to Jerry’s Apartment – Jerry and Elaine together in apartment
Elaine: LGBTI Jerry! I said I couldn’t attend the LGBTI solidarity event because I had plans!
Jerry: I’m sure they’ll understand.
Elaine: You don’t know the people I work with Jerry, they’re very much into this sort of thing! I feel terrible! Here’s your stupid belt back by the way – it was too big for Putty as well.
Jerry: I don’t know what my grandmother was thinking. You could gather the neighbourhood kids and play jump-rope with this thing.
Elaine: What does the ‘i’ stand for in LGBTI anyway?
Jerry: Inter-sex, I think.
Elaine: Inter-sex? What’s that?
Jerry: I assume it is somebody who is in-between the sexes.
Elaine: So then what’s Trans?
Jerry: I don’t know, why don’t you ask them?
Jerry: Yo (buzzes him up).
Jerry: So you and George working together again, that would be something, huh?
Elaine: Yeah… You know, don’t say anything, but I’m kind of hoping he doesn’t get the job. You know, after what happened last time at Pendant…
Jerry: Well if you didn’t want him to get the job, then why did you arrange the interview?
Elaine: I don’t know, he’s been unemployed for so long now, I just felt a bit sorry for him.
Jerry: Would you say you did it out of pity?
Elaine: Yeah, I guess you could say that.
George: Hey, so it’s all still on for this afternoon yeah?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah. They’re really looking forward to meeting you.
George: They said that? They said they’re ‘really looking forward’ to meeting me?
George: Wow. I don’t think anyone’s ever said that about me before. Not even my parents.
Elaine: Well there’s a first time for everything. Look I’ve really got to get back to the office and see if I can make the end of this thing, I’ll see you this afternoon.
George: (fake sincerity) You know, I just wanted to say thank you, Elaine, for setting this whole thing up. (shakes her hand) I really owe you one.
Elaine: Don’t worry about it, I’ll see you later.
Jerry: Bye (closes door).
George: Did I overdo it there, with the thankyou?
Jerry: Yeah, that was a bit of an over-thankyou.
George: I told you! This whole thing isn’t going to work out!
Jerry: Just relax, you know, she probably doesn’t even care if you get the job or not!
George: What? She doesn’t care!? What kind of a friend wouldn’t care if their friend didn’t get the job?
George: Did she say something? She doesn’t want to work with me, does she? Hell, I wouldn’t want to work with me! Did she say something? Did she Jerry?
Jerry: Alright! She told me she doesn’t really want you to get the job! It’s no big deal.
George: I knew it!
Jerry: At least now you’re on the same page! Neither of you really want to work with each other, so now you can throw the interview and be done with it!
George: Oohoh no! She thinks she can do me a favour and not really mean it! I’ll show her! I’m gonna get that job!
Jerry: Out of spite?
George: Damn straight out of spite! (clicks his fingers) Did she say anything about the company that’ll help me in my interview?
Jerry: Well she said they’re pretty big on the whole LGBTI diversity thing, but I don’t really see how that’s going to help you.
Knock on the door
Jerry walks over to door
Jerry: Who is it?
Newman: (through door) Hello Jerry.
Jerry: (through door) Hello Newman (opens door, Newman is there smiling). What do you want?
Newman: I happened to pass your friend Elaine in the hall before, and couldn’t help but notice that she had in her possession a certain item which piqued my interest.
Jerry: So what?
Newman: (crumbling) The belt! I want the belt!
Newman: I’m a man with needs Jerry! Pant-related needs! You’ve got no idea how hard it is for a man of my stature to find a belt of the right proportions! To spend your days with a permanent vice around your waist, squeezing the veritable life out of you one breath at a time! Squeezing, and squeezing! Until one day, it all becomes too much!
Jerry: Alright, alright! Take the belt! (Newman greedily grabs the belt). But let’s get this straight, you take that belt and you owe me a favour.
Newman: (considering) To be in debt to a Seinfeld for a lifetime of comfort… I don’t like it, but I’ll take it.
Jerry: Actually, come to think of it I don’t like the idea of being owed something by a Newman. Tell you what, I’ll pass my favour on to Kramer.
Kramer barges through door
Kramer: Favour? Dig-i-dig! (Newman looks scared)
Change scene to Elaine’s work. Everyone except her is wearing a purple ribbon or item of clothing. She opens the door to Peterman’s office.
Elaine: You wanted to see me?
Peterman: Yes Elaine, please take a seat.
Elaine: You know, I just wanted to say how sorry I am about missing the LGBTI event today.
Peterman: I’m glad to hear it. You’re absence was very noticeable. What was it that you said you had to do again that was so important?
Elaine: I had to... ah… return a belt… to a friend.
Peterman: Return a belt… ah I see. You know, Elaine, we take diversity very seriously in this workplace.
Elaine: I know!
Peterman: And to have you absent from this event which is so important to so many of your colleagues - well - it just doesn’t send a good message, now does it?
Elaine: I guess not…
Peterman: And I see you’re not wearing purple either.
Elaine: I didn’t know!
Peterman: Been too busy returning belts have we? Oh no, this is a situation which must be rectified Elaine, and rectify it we shall (he gets up and starts heading for the door).
Elaine: How? Where are we going?
Peterman: To a gay bar! (He drags her out of the office)
Change scene to Kramer and Newman in Kramer’s car with a contraption in the back seat
Newman: I really shouldn’t be letting you do this. If anybody from the post office sees us I could lose my job!
Kramer: Now a favour’s a favour, Newman.
Newman: Yeah, well I never would have taken the belt if I knew that’d it come with a Kramer favour!
Kramer: What are you worried about? I just want to take it out for a little spin, they’ll never notice it’s gone. You said yourself they weren’t even using them yet!
Newman: Yeah and for good reason. These postal delivery drones are still in the development phase. This is just a prototype!
Kramer: But it can fly?
Newman: Sure it can fly – like a hummingbird.
Kramer: Now do hummingbirds hum, or is that just a bees?
Newman: Bees don’t hum - they buzz.
Kramer: Buzz? I always thought that was mosquitoes…
Change scene to George at Elaine’s office being interviewed by Peggy and another manager
Peggy: So George, looking at your CV here, it says you used to work for the Yankees?
George: Yes, huhuh, I certainly did.
Manager: What happened there?
George: ….A competing franchise made an offer to my boss in return for my dismissal that he simply found too good to refuse.
Peggy: Wow, you must really be quite the catch.
George: Yeah. Something like that….
Peggy: And the job at Play Now?
George: There were some issues there regarding my physical disposition, that didn’t quite meet their expectations.
Manager: You know to be honest George, your work experience isn’t ideal for the position, but I think I know what you’re hinting at here, and I just want you to know that this workplace, unlike some others, is very tolerant of all types (taps purple ribbon).
Peggy: Is there anything we should know about you that you’d like to share George?
George: (pauses for a few moments, deadpan) I was born a woman.
Change scene to Jerry’s apartment
(Phone rings, Jerry answers)
George: (at the coffee shop payphone) I got the job! They think I’m a woman!
Jerry: Wait. What!?
George: They think I’m a woman who lives as a man! I don’t know why I never thought of it before!
Jerry: Why do they think you’re a woman?
George: I was talking about Play Now, and one thing led to another, and it just sort of happened.
Jerry: So you use your experience pretending to be handicapped to help get you a job where you pretend to be transsexual?
George: Well why should they get all the jobs? They’ve already got all the sexes, now they want all the jobs too?
Jerry: What are you going to tell Elaine?
George: Hey! You keep this in the vault, you hear me! Elaine doesn’t need to know anything about this!
Jerry: Oh sure (sarcastically).
George: Oh hoh! I’d like to see her try to claim the high-ground now!
Jerry: Oh I don’t think that will be a problem.
George: Look, I’ve got to go and meet the rest of the team for some welcome drinks after work. I’ll see you later.
Change scene to Elaine and Peterman standing in line outside of a bar/club
Elaine: Mr Peterman, this really isn’t necessary! This was all just a big misunderstanding. I’m a huge LGBTI fan. I loooove all of the rainbow people.
Peterman: I’m glad to hear it Elaine. But as much as one may love the rainforests of the Congo, one will never truly understand them until they have plunged into that heart of darkness and stared directly into the eyes of its very soul.
Peterman: Time to get your boogie on Elaine.
Change scene to Kramer and Newman in the park, Kramer is holding a remote control
Newman: Now take it easy, I want this thing back in one piece.
Kramer: Relax – I used to fly model planes all the time as a kid.
Kramer: Well, they didn’t have any motors in them, but it’s essentially the same thing.
Kramer starts to operate the drone
Newman: Easy… Easy…
A look of wonder comes over their faces as the drone becomes airborne.
Kramer: Like a hummingbird!
Montage of Kramer flying the drone around central park with happy music
Shots of the drone being used in comical ways, such as being used to buy food from a street vendor, knocking a ball out from a tree, carrying a small dog away from his owner, etc.
Eventually the drone starts sounding and moving weirdly.
Newman: What’s wrong? What did you do to it?
Kramer: I don’t know, perhaps it was that pigeon we hit (starts hitting the remote with his hand).
Newman: Bring her down!
Kramer: I can’t! She’s outta control! (drone swoops them and they make a run for it)
Change scene to Elaine and Peterman in a club, loud music, various drag-queen types dancing around Elaine, a butch woman grabs her and starts dancing vigorously with her, Elaine tries to be polite.
Change scene to George back at Elaine’s office with colleagues in the lobby
Peggy: I’m so glad you could make it back here to come out with the rest of the team tonight George.
George: (takes her hands in his) I’m just so happy to finally find a group of people who are willing to accept me for who I am.
Manager: (shaking hand) Welcome aboard George. Now let’s go get a couple of drinks.
They walk towards the door but a man bursts in.
Man: Everybody stay inside! There’s an out-of-control drone out there wreaking havoc. Somebody call 911!
George: (Breathing heavily, looking very serious) No, you know what, I’ve got this, I’ve got this (he calmly walks outside while all of his colleagues look on).
A few moments pass and everybody gasps.
Change scene to the coffee shop the next morning, Jerry and George.
Jerry: So what happened?
George: So I remembered what Kramer told us yesterday, about being real men and taking control of the situation, so I decided to take care of the drone myself.
George: So I walk outside, and there are people running left and right, away from this out of control drone! And the thing is, I can see it’s only a few feet out of reach. So I think to myself, how I can I get this thing down? And I don’t know if it was from Newman in your apartment yesterday, but all I can think of is, to use my belt, to hit its propellers.
Jerry: Just like MacGyver!
George: Yeah… So I take my belt off, get in close under it and take a mighty swing. Unfortunately, as I do so, my pants proceed to fall down. My feet get tripped up and I fall over.
George: And I was wearing boxers. Loose ones.
Jerry: Ohhh. So did everyone see your –
Jerry: So now they know you’re not a –
Jerry: And the job’s now -
Jerry: Oh… Well at least now you’ve progressed to getting fired before you’ve even officially started.
George: I guess that’s something.
Elaine enters looking haggard and wearing a pink feather boa around her neck
Jerry: Where have you been?
Elaine: Out all night at every gay bar in New York City.
Elaine: ...Peterman… So did you get the job?
Elaine: What happened?
Jerry: It turned out he wasn’t quite the woman they thought he was.
George: (face in hands, broken) Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Jerry Performing In the Comedy Club
The only thing worse than a belt that doesn’t fit, are those days when you forget to put your belt on in the morning.
You’re walking around, all insecure, afraid nobody’s going to take you seriously, or perhaps they’ll mistake you for a homeless person. You almost feel naked when you forget your belt, which is weird, considering that the only thing it covers is that little button at the top of your pants.
I think what this sensation comes down to, is the realisation that, without a belt, we’re essentially just wearing fancy pyjamas. With belt - suit. Without belt – pyjamas. Suit – pyjamas – suit – pyjamas. I guess that’s why dressing gowns have those sashes: they’re kind of like a compromise-belt, for when you’re in the general area of the bedroom, but you still need to get things done.