E1 = Employee 1
E2 = Employee 2
P = Photographer
Two men enter dressed in white-collar work wear. The room is set up for a photo-shoot; there is a large background screen with industrial/construction images on it, a couple of spot-lamps and reflectors and typical photography gear.
E1 = How did we get roped into this?
E2 = I don’t know; the boss said they needed a couple of guys for some new promotional material and I guess they decided that we were the most photogenic.
E1 = I would have done my hair this morning if I knew my mug was going to end up on a billboard.
E2 = I wouldn’t get your hopes up, I doubt we’re going to end up on the cover of Time or anything. Knowing our company we’ll probably end up on those ads above the urinals in airports.
E1 = (sarcastic) Great. Like all I need is random dudes associating their dicks with my face.
E2 = Cause you’d get enough of that on the weekends as it is wouldn’t you.
E1 = Yeah it’s like -… Oh ha ha. It’s good to see you keep pushing the boundaries of comedy with your insightful witticisms. We are all truly in your debt oh hilarious one (mock flourish).
E2 = You’re welcome.
E1 = So, have you ever done anything like this before?
E2 = Do mug-shots count?
E1 = Nnnnno.
E2 = Then no, I haven’t.
E1 = When I was six my mother took me and my sisters to a modelling agency for a few photos to see if she could make some money out of us. Turns out she couldn’t. Apparently we didn’t have ‘it’.
E2 = That’s a shame.
E1 = Yeah, I think it broke her heart, having to come to the realisation that we wouldn’t be able to pay for our own upbringing… What poor little bastards we were.
E2 = Oh well, you know what they say…?
E1 = What?
E2 = It’s not who you know, it’s who you bl..
Enter a Frenchman in a black turtleneck and beret.
P = Ah! Here are my two superstars! My two little Fabergé eggs!
E2 = (aside) Here we go…
E1 = So, are you gonna make us famous or what?
P = Famous? Famous? No, fine messieurs, no! By the time Pierre De Bagnolet is finished with you, you will be infamous!
E1 = Infamous? Isn’t that the same thing?
P = Fame is fleeting – Infame is infinite! No! If Pierre De Bagnolet has his way, there shall not be a urinal in all of the nation which does not bear your faces!
E2 = Told ya.
E1 = Oh man! And we're not even getting paid for this!
P = Do not underestimate the art of the u-ri-nal! With urination comes relief, and with relief comes ‘appiness! You, my friends, will be the archangels of ‘appiness!
E2 = Archangels of jock-itch more like it.
P = Enough! Let us begin the magic of the lens! (He puts on some pop music and starts prancing around with his handheld camera) You! Over ‘ere (pointing to a spot in front of the camera).
E1 = Here?
P = No! Over ‘ere (physically moving E1 about two inches to the left). You! Over ‘ere! (E2 shuffles into position reluctantly). Now, show me your ‘appy faces!
(E1 and E2 put on forced smiles, P looks through his lens at them but does not take a photo)
P = ‘appy! Think ‘appy thoughts!
E1 = (through clenched teeth) It’s a bit hard…
E2 = (through clenched teeth) Kill me now….
P = A challenge! Never fear. I would not have it any other way. The easy mistress is not worth wooing!
E2 = Speak for yourself.
P = No! You two are the refined, elegant beauty who will not give up her flower easily. But I promise, no matter what it takes, Pierre De Bagnolet will find a way to deflower your soul!
P = Props! We need props! You! Hold this piece of paper (he hand E1 a large schematic). You! Put on this ‘ard ‘at (he hands E2 a hard hat. The two handle the props uncertainly).
E1 = What do you want us to do?
P = Read! Read it like you have never read before!
(E1 unrolls the plan and the two start looking at it in a quizzical manner.)
P = (looks through camera) No, no, no, no, no! WHY so serious?
E2 = He fights crime by night…
P = ‘e can fight crime on ‘is own time! You need to leave your stress behind, and live in the moment! You need to believe!
E1 = Believe what?
P = Look around you! See ze cranes. See ze buildings. See ze sky-scra-pers! You are men! Men at work! Become one with the machines! Become one with the metal!
(The two employees look around each other and slowly become more rigid in appearance)
P = Better! Now, I need you, in the ‘ard ‘at, to point. Point at the paper and believe!
(E1 points at the paper)
P = Believe!
(The paper starts vibrating noticeably in E1 hands)
P= Yes! Yes! That’s it! That’s it!
E1&E2 = Ahhhh! (The paper is by now shaking violently in E1 hands as the pressure of the moment builds),
P = Believe! Believe! Believe!
E1&E2 = Ahhhh! (E1 pokes a whole through the paper ripping it in two. The two employees collapse in exhaustion)
P = Excellent! Excellent! Pierre De Bagnolet strikes again! (He lights a cigarette and turns the music off). That will be all for today. Here’s my card (he throws his card at them and walks out. The two employees sit on the ground regaining their breath).
E1 = I think he took my flower!