Saturday, 12 April 2014

Aphoristic Enterprise 3

1.       Chances are you too are part of the average demographic.

2.       If you want something done properly, do it yourself – unless it involves hard labour, where a compromise is generally acceptable.

3.       The smallest of details can make the biggest and longest lasting of impressions.

4.       It is an impulse to shake an offered hand – salesmen and crooks know this, and crooked salesmen are oft to employ it.

5.       The only thing sadder than making a drunken call to an ex is not having an ex to call.

6.       It’s possible to go so far East that you end up West.

7.       It is better to be safe than dead.

8.       When fulfilling the ego, the fact people are aware of your achievements is more important than the achievements themselves.

9.       There is something innately wrong with people who aspire to political office.

10.   Most of the time it’s all too serious.

Sunday, 6 April 2014

Aphoristic Enterprise 2

1.       We have tried our hardest to hide what our reason has not been able to conquer.

2.       Two attributes, which while admirable in isolation, should never be brought together in the world of business if one is to maintain a hefty margin; honesty and smarts.

3.       Anything can be difficult without the right resources.

4.       Some people’s products consume them.

5.       One is heavily influenced by the last thing one read.  Don’t you think?

6.       An employer has won when its employees are thinking of work as they go to sleep.

7.       Honest minds rest peacefully, on hessian pillows.

8.       The burden of having to think of what is NOT said or NOT written lies with the critic.

9.       The key to Apple’s success, as with any other brand item, has been to fool people into thinking that they can purchase popularity.

10.   One cannot purchase popularity.

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Aphoristic Enterprise 1

1.       Anything said in an authoritative tone will find some believers.

2.       The deeds performed within great buildings rarely live up to their surroundings.

3.       Capitalism is giving others what they want.  Socialism is giving others what you want.

4.       One cannot help but be human.

5.       Anything can become a tourist attraction if left long enough.

6.       Possession is nine-tenths of the law.  The other tenth is sheer bastardry.

7.       Taking a break from existence is not an option.

8.       To wake up refreshed and relaxed is a rare state to be cherished.

9.       A woman in the bed is worth twenty in the head.

10.   An absence of dread means it must be a Saturday.

Friday, 14 March 2014

Relatively Speaking

Relatively speaking, small is only smaller,
Than something measured wider, or that which stands the taller.

But to the tiny critter, the small is thought as big;
A morsel to a fritter, puppy to porky pig.

“Medium’ the in-betweener, knows not which way to lean,
On one hand she’s a princess, the other she’s a queen.

So if in doubt, as to clout, you find yourself a-thinking,

Mind that even Einstein, was relatively speaking.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Retromodern Fashion

The Spear heard them before he saw them. 

As he walked through the city the other night, The Spear - trying to clear his head after a long day - was beset by a series of wild cries: “Toga, toga, toga!”

‘Oh no’, The Spear thought after registering the most basic of chants.  He knew what it meant, but it was already too late. 

Around the corner streamed hundreds of youths, all clad in white linen and recently purchased $3 Big W bed-sheets.  A Toga Party was afoot.

An ancient frieze of the first ever 'toga party'

As the pissed-up pack of presently pubescent pricks passed The Spear, with their mandatory mock motions for high-fives and general vulgarity, The Spear thought it odd that a bunch of 18 year old Australians, in the pursuit of popularity, would take to dressing like they did two and a half thousand years ago on the other side of the world.

Talk about a timeless look.

The Spear thinks back to the fashion of his teenage years: backwards caps, shorts half-way down your arse, socks up and hoodie jumpers.  If it sounds like a wannabe American skater boy from the 1990s, that’s because that’s exactly what the fashion was.

As the years passed, the fashions changed.  The caps got truckier, the shirts got pinker, the shorts got shorter and the socks became non-existent.  Oh, and the hair got Biebered.
Most of those fashions are now on their way out.

The thing about fashions are that they are always changing, and always inevitably flowing from the ‘cool’ to the followers to the late adopters (The Spear always found himself in this last category, only making the change to the latest fashion just as it was to be rendered ‘uncool’.  Or was it the adopting of the fashion by him and those like him which rendered it so?).  Like trends in baby names, what were once hallmarks of distinction and class, due to their mass adoption and passing to passé, now are no more.

But you can’t see it at the time.  We have one-way retrospective vision, always looking at the past but never at the future.  We judge the trends of the past as ‘out of fashion’, without really considering the future datedness of what is popular today, or even how future fashions presently worn would look out of place and thus subject to mockery.

To be honest, The Spear doesn’t give the fashion of today a chance of being the subject of a party in the year 4500.  What long-term impact can modern fashion, with its vast number of competing styles and products and its fleeting seasonal state, really make on our culture?

Thursday, 27 February 2014

Area Man Slices Hair From Face in Bizarre New Craze

MELBOURNE,VIC: Area man, Brian Jones, today admitted to reporters that he had recently taken part in the latest craze sweeping through the risk-taking 15-30yr old male demographic, known to its practitioners as ‘shaving’.

Australian authorities are concerned about the growing number of young men taking part in the ‘shaving’ phenomenon, a practice which requires its participants to run between 1 and 4 razor-sharp metal blades over their necks and faces multiple times, mere millimeters from critical arteries, in an bid to slice hairs at a lower level and thus obtain a slick and smooth look – which is believed to be the latest fad amongst fashion circles.

“At first I didn’t want to do it, I was like ‘That’s crazy,’” said Jones.  “But once a couple of my friends had done it, the pressure – you know – the peer pressure, was just like, too much,” the eight-teen year old admitted.  “So I did it.  And once I started, I just couldn’t stop.”

Confessing that he takes part in the dangerous ritual anywhere from one to three times a week, Jones admitted that he knew he was risking life and limb, but that the payoff was worth it.  “I mean, you only live once, you know,” said Jones, misty-eyed and staring into the distance.  “YOLO, man.  YOLO.”

At press time, a cleanly-shaven Jones was last seen downing a pint of vodka while lying face-down on a balcony hand-rail.

Sunday, 9 February 2014

Blackjack and Intelligent Design

The Spear had been at the blackjack table for less than five minutes.  He was up – slightly – which placed him at the top of his table’s two-player leader board, if the dour look of the lonesome middle-aged man sitting across from him was anything to go by. 

The two sipped their drinks in unison as the dealer cleared the green felt for yet another round of the casino’s lowest limit, $15 a hand Blackjack.

The dealer shot out the opening cards with the alacrity of a well-trained cat performing his latest trick.

The Spear looked at his two cards: 6s/6d.  Damn, he thought to himself.  The perfect pairs always seem to come just when you decide to stop wasting your hard earned money betting on them.  The Spear is the conservative type, and they were a bit of a long shot after all.

“Woah,” started The Spear’s unlucky compadre from across the table.  “Check out all the sixes!”

The Spear - in the midst of his perfect-pair regret - hadn’t noticed; the lonesome man and the dealer had pulled sixes too.  Five sixes in a row.

“Not many of them left now,” the dealer told the sorry pair as they examined the 6-6-6-6-6’s on display.

“Do I win something if I draw another one?” said the gambler, perking up at the chance of a big win.   

“No,” responded the dealer with a grin.  “Do you want another card?”

The man was on 12 and the dealer was on 6.  Not bad odds of the dealer going bust if you decided to stay, but the man, in the true spirit of a gambler, just couldn’t resist.

“Hit me.”

The dealer dealt him his third card: yet another six. 6-6-6-6-6-6 made up the table’s wares.

A long story short: the devil’s number twice drawn, naturally, begat twin losers.

Now what are the odds of drawing six sixes in a row you might say? 

Zero, if using one deck of cards, is perfectly true.  However Casinos can use anywhere up to eight decks simultaneously to limit the wicked ways of card-counters.

Assuming an infinity of decks, the chance of drawing a six at any given time, regardless of the cards drawn before, approximates to 1/13, or 7.6%.  So the chances of drawing six of them in a row would approach (1/13)^6, or some  1 in 4,826,809.

Now our casino in question was certainly not using an infinity of decks, which means that the actual odds of this occurrence were even more minute, as with each six drawn from the decks, the chance of drawing yet another six decreased rapidly.  What The Spear witnessed last night was probably closer to a 1 in 10,000,000 occurrence.

Does this mean anything?

Why should it?  Isn’t the chance of drawing six sixes in a row just the same as drawing six 10s in a row, or six 2s in a row? Or roughly the same as drawing a slightly longer sequence of random cards?  It is one of many possible outcomes.

What are the chances of drawing out a pack of shuffled cards in any particular order?  Miniscule.  Practically zero, right?

But yet every time they are drawn, one of the possible orders is drawn, i.e. once the event is in motion, the chances of a result are 100%.

Only by being witness to the event was The Spear put in a situation to think retrospectively as to what the chance of its occurrence was.  He did not ponder the chances of any other particular outcome. 

Now – what are the chances of a random universe producing complex life that is able to ask this very question?