Friday, 28 December 2012


Patient with bandage around head lies upright in his hospital bed.  His doctor enters, clearly wearing a toupee.

Doctor:  Mr Jones, there’s no easy way for me to say this, so I’m just going to go ahead and say it.

Patient:  I love you too doc.

Doctor:  Ah, no - that’s not what this is about.  Or rather, that’s exactly what this is about.

Patient:  And that’s what it’s ALL about!  Ohhhh do the Hokey Poke-

Doctor:  Mr Jones - please listen!  The results of the tests we ran yesterday after your fall were handed to me half an hour ago.  They came back positive to one of the many conditions we screened for. 

Patient:  Mum always said I was a ‘glass half-full’ kind of person.

Doctor:  Mr Jones - there is a 99 percent chance that you have Hypercomedia.

Patient:  Hyper-Chlamydia?  So I should assume my wife is a hyper-tramp then?

Doctor:  No, you misheard.  Hyper-CO-ME-dia.

Patient:  Well at least it’s a bit more altruistic than Hyper-com-I-dia, isn’t it?

Doctor:  This is no laughing matter Mr Jones.  It’s a very serious condition.

Patient:  And here I was hoping I’d get one of the more amiable ones.

Doctor:  It affects the function of your neural networks.  It also goes by the name of Joker’s Disease, or Wise-crackitis. 

Patient:  Finally, my crack will get the respect and veneration it has always deserved!  Although it doesn’t feel any wiser...

Doctor:  As you’ve probably guessed Mr Jones, it means that the purpose of your social brain has been altered by the impact to, first and foremost, take the input of any social interaction and use it as material for a joke - at every opportunity, whether you like it or not.

Patient:  I suspected as much.  For years I kind of always knew that I was a closet homosketchual.

Doctor:  You see!  Puns, Quips, witticisms, repartees, wise-cracks, sarcastic remarks!  You just can’t help yourself!

Patient: I thought that was the general reason why people go to hospitals.

Doctor:  This is a very rare condition Mr Jones.  You’re one of only a handful of people ever to emerge from an accident with Hypercomedia.

Patient:  (with mock naivety) Will I get to be the latest YouTube sensation?  I’ve been working on my horsey-dance recently.

Doctor:  Not likely.

Patient:  Well how about a successful comedian?  My friends used to laugh at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.  Well they won’t be laughing now!

Doctor:  I’m sorry Mr Jones, but from the reported cases, it doesn’t work like that.  If you’re anything like the other sufferers, you’ll certainly have no problems thinking of jokes, but there’s no guarantee that they’ll be any good.

Patient:  (looking slightly confused) That’s what SHE said!

Doctor:  Precisely.

Patient:  Oh no doc; like that road-kill on your head there, I’m a lost cause!  Oh the hu-MOR-ity!  It’s both a blessing and a curse!  DAMN YOU rickety ladder!  DAMN YOU concrete pavement!  DAMN YOU declining quality of TV broadcasting in the unstoppable - yet understandable - slide toward mediocrity for mass appeal to combat the revenue shortages as a result of ever increasing internet-based market share!

Doctor:  Don’t worry - there is a cure.

Patient:  Does it involve a sponge-bathing by a hot nurse?  And if not, can I get one anyway?

Doctor:  No.  You’ll have your first class of Statistics 101 on Monday.

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