Monday, 11 February 2013

Inability to ‘Do Any Better’ Only Thing Keeping Couple Together


DARWIN, NT – Reliable sources have recently confirmed that the only thing sustaining the relationship of local couple, Dave and Barbara, is the inability of either partner to ‘do any better’.

Numerous witnesses have stated that each half of the couple has frequently drawn attention to the ‘horridness of it all’, but that - given their incapability to attract a more suitable mate -the dismal state of affairs will have to continue as ‘there isn’t any other bloody choice right now’.

People close to the pair believe that the relationship has come close to ending several times in the past few years, but that upon further reflection, one or the other of the regularly feuding couple has faced up to the undeniable fact that, apart from their existing partner, there isn’t another single soul in existence who would freely and easily fill the inevitable void of vicarious self-worth and casual sex.

“Believe me, I want to leave the wench,” said Dave when questioned yesterday afternoon outside of the couple’s suburban dwelling, “she’s a God Damn witch.  But every time I go to pack my bags, I can’t help but think ‘who else out there, in God’s honest truth, would be willing to be sexually available to me twice a week?’  And when I think of the answer to that question, I get scared.”

“I mean, I’m sure there’s somebody out there, somewhere, who would be a better match for me,” he continued, “but like, seriously, how long is it going to take me to find them?  Five years?  Ten?  By that time my pecker may not even be working any longer, so why take the risk?”

Barbara conveyed a similar attitude towards the largely joyless union when questioned this morning while out at the local shops.  “He’s a total prick,” she said, spitting reflexively to ground at the mere mention of his name.  “Not that he’s physically abusive, but let’s face it, he’s far from prince charming.  Seriously – what kind of a man burps the alphabet backwards to impress visitors?  Dave, that’s who.”

“Every time I think about walking out the door though, I start thinking things like ‘I guess he’s got a stable job, a house and a car, and he’s not bad looking’, and then I start having second thoughts,” she said.  “I mean, I’m sure there’s somebody else out there who may suit me better, but like, seriously, what are the chances I’m going to find them any time soon?  My biological clock is ticking you know.”

At press time, it is believed that both Dave and Barbara have settled in for another night of conveniently accessible partnership.

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