DARWIN, NT – Reliable sources have recently confirmed that
the only thing sustaining the relationship of local couple, Dave and Barbara, is
the inability of either partner to ‘do any better’.
Numerous witnesses have stated that each half of the couple
has frequently drawn attention to the ‘horridness of it all’, but that - given
their incapability to attract a more suitable mate -the dismal state of affairs
will have to continue as ‘there isn’t any other bloody choice right now’.
People close to the pair believe that the relationship has
come close to ending several times in the past few years, but that upon further
reflection, one or the other of the regularly feuding couple has faced up to
the undeniable fact that, apart from their existing partner, there isn’t another
single soul in existence who would freely and easily fill the inevitable void
of vicarious self-worth and casual sex.
“Believe me, I want to leave the wench,” said Dave when
questioned yesterday afternoon outside of the couple’s suburban dwelling, “she’s
a God Damn witch. But every time I go to
pack my bags, I can’t help but think ‘who else out there, in God’s honest
truth, would be willing to be sexually available to me twice a week?’ And when I think of the answer to that
question, I get scared.”
“I mean, I’m sure there’s somebody out there, somewhere, who
would be a better match for me,” he continued, “but like, seriously, how long
is it going to take me to find them?
Five years? Ten? By that time my pecker may not even be
working any longer, so why take the risk?”
Barbara conveyed a similar attitude towards the largely joyless
union when questioned this morning while out at the local shops. “He’s a total prick,” she said, spitting reflexively
to ground at the mere mention of his name.
“Not that he’s physically abusive, but let’s face it, he’s far from
prince charming. Seriously – what kind
of a man burps the alphabet backwards to impress visitors? Dave, that’s who.”
“Every time I think about walking out the door though, I start
thinking things like ‘I guess he’s got a stable job, a house and a car, and he’s
not bad looking’, and then I start having second thoughts,” she said. “I mean, I’m sure there’s somebody else out
there who may suit me better, but like, seriously, what are the chances I’m
going to find them any time soon? My
biological clock is ticking you know.”
At press time, it is believed that both Dave and Barbara
have settled in for another night of conveniently accessible partnership.
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