Wednesday, 6 February 2013

The Booby Trap


Last Saturday night The Spear experienced another ‘first’ while out on the town in one of our nation’s seaside party hotspots.  Over the course of a couple of hours out with a friend at one of his favourite bars in the area that evening, The Spear and his mate happened to have conversations with four women, all of whom happened to have - what the man on the street may refer to as - ‘fake titties’.  It was the first time The Spear had gone out and interacted with naught but the bearers of the unnatural subset of the world of bosom.

Note: (The Spear assures readers that the bar in question had been one of his favourites for a considerable period of time before the abundance of the preternaturally-buxom made itself known.)


The Spear wasn’t sure if there was something in the air that night, but as he had looked around the bar, drink in hand, it had come as no surprise that 100% of the women he had interacted with happened to be unusually well-equipped in the baby-feeding department (for the record, he had approached one couple and another couple had approached him).  They were simply everywhere.  Of the twenty or so women in the bar, The Spear would estimate that around half were carrying a pair of the plastic surgeon’s handiwork on their chest.  It was an atypically perky venue indeed.

Now The Spear is not usually one to pay undue attention to a woman’s chest line while out on the town, but in this case the attention was due.  Of the first couple, one ‘accidently’ poured an ice-cube from her own drink into her excessive cleavage, puffing out her chest and flapping her arms about like pigeon preparing to strike, in a spectacle of supernatural sphericity.  The second couple just admitted that they would be using their newly acquired assets to garner the attention of the bar tender.

Talking to this second couple, The Spear managed to learn that the new puppies would have to induce a hell of a lot of free drinks in order to pay for themselves.  It had each cost them $11,000 to increase their size of their bust (The Spear assumes that this is the cost for a set, and not per boob, but it would be wise to check before proceeding with a procedure lest one find one’s self short a boob thanks to the erroneousness of The Spear).

So is it really worth it?

From a purely financial point of view – perhaps.  If it is true that men like bigger breasts (as evolutionary indicators for greater milk production?), then one could assume that implants could help a woman to attract a mate of higher status (i.e. more attractive and powerful men, who also tend to be richer).  This potential difference between the implant-attracting mate and the lower status alternative could see a woman come out financially ahead due to a sound physiological ‘investment’.

From a more psychological point of view, the implants may simply give the woman the boost in confidence she needs to attract a better quality mate, like how a man might take steroids to get a bigger body to be able to have the confidence to go up and talk to women.  In both cases, the cure for the psychological problem is sought via physical means.  People would argue that this is just like putting on makeup or dressing nicely – changing what you can to look good and feel good.

There is a slight difference though.  Putting on make-up and dressing nicely typically does not cost $11,000 (well, at least not for a man anyway), and both do not require exposing one’s body to the inherent risks associated with plastic surgery and steroid use.  It is taking the art of physical self-improvement to the extreme, where the outcome may not be reversible, or even favourable.

The Spear will go out on a limb and assume that his opinion regarding women’s breast size is similar to that of most women regarding men’s muscle size: it is not ‘make or break’, it is secondary  (men and women are partnering other people after all, not isolated body parts).  They may be a factor in initial attraction, but not enough to unambiguously rule out the chance of ‘courtship’, if you may. 

A person’s personality and confidence will still be the primary factor in attractiveness, assuming their physical appearance indicates healthy ‘normality’ (if it doesn’t then the person in question probably has bigger problems than whether or not to get a boob job / horse steroids).  Hence, other ways to improve confidence besides these extreme measures should be given full consideration before taking a perhaps unnecessary plunge into risky territory.

And that’s where the double-edged sword, the ‘booby trap’, if you will, comes into play; healthy normality.  While they may attract some men given their bigger size, fake breasts can be spotted as exactly that – fake – by most men, and will actually decrease a woman’s attractiveness in some eyes due to their deviation from the natural.  It is called natural selection after all.

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