CANBERRA, ACT – The newly reinstated Prime Minister Rudd has today held a special press conference to announce to the nation that, over the past three years in the Gillard cabinet, he spent the entirety of his time in parliament doing crosswords puzzles from the Beijing People’s Daily.
“It’s time for me to come clean,” PM Rudd addressed a packed press gallery. “I know the Australian people want someone they can trust to lead this great country of ours. And so, with that in mind, I think it appropriate to admit to the Australian people that I have made some mistakes over the past three years,” he gestured open-handed to the assembled journalists. “And to speak frankly and with specificity: filling out Chinese crosswords in lieu of my many parliamentary duties was one of them,” he admitted.
“You see, the art of crossword puzzles is – in due season – addictive,” he continued. “It incorporates just the right degree of mystery and challenge that one K-Rudd finds - to put it simply – irresistible,” he said. “And for the past three years I have been unable to resist.”
The Prime Minister spent the next ten minutes outlining all of the duties that his fascination with the puzzles had prevented him from doing during the Gillard Cabinet. The list included big ticket items such as proposing legislation, right down to those lesser tasks, like getting the office supply of milk when it was his turn. Eventually he grew tired and admitted that it was “pretty much everything.”
“But I can assure you all now, that reinstated as Prime Minister, I am a changed man,” he concluded his speech to the gallery. “Australians deserve a fair shake of the sauce bottle, and I’m glad to tell them that I’ve learned from my mistakes,” he said.
At this point Mr Rudd appeared to grow agitated, and after a moment of staring straight ahead into empty space, he slammed the podium with his fist.
“They’re just too bloody hard!” he yelled, before turning and leaving the room.
Sources close to the Prime Minister reveal that on the way back to his office, Mr Rudd was heard muttering to himself about ‘rats’.
Rudd While Agonising Over A Particularly Hard Chinese Crossword Puzzle